You know, with the frequency that I update this blog one might conclude that I haven’t completely forgotten it existed. This person would be mostly correct.
I started the blog as a way to document my quest for health, fitness, and a sub 5 minute mile. I thought putting my thoughts on paper would help me sort things out. I was hoping that putting my plans on a public internet space might help keep my accountable. And both of these aspects are true, when I’m actively using it as a tool. But lately it’s just an app taking up memory on my phone.
I thought about writing this post as I am stretching before bed, the night before the WV Beast. The North American Spartan Championship race.
The voice in the back of my mind was telling me I have no business running this race. It completely destroyed me last year. My results and performance were extra disappointing after having such a great 2017 season. 2018 just wasn’t good for me and it has shaken my confidence.
I haven’t re-read them but if memory serves my last few posts have been about me getting back on the wagon and sorting my life out. Well, I’m sad to report its not happened. I’m in the same terrible physical state that I was this time last year. Maybe even worse….
My chronic knee issues have been nagging at me. To make matters worse I have a mysterious foot tendon injury (at least I hope it’s a tendon and not a stress fracture.) Both of these injuries have me doubting my ability to cross the finish line tomorrow. Well, those injuries and how I get sweaty and winded going up a few flights of stairs.
Regardless of any of that, I’m here. I paid for it and I’m going to cross the start line. I’m going to do everything in my power to cross the finish line. But, I do have to be smart and realize my body is vulnerable right now. I hope that my ego and pride aren’t so strong that I end up making things worse.
If I finish tomorrow, and I don’t break something, I have re-commited to improving my life. (Well I’m still committed, but the broken body part might slow me down) I’ve been fighting with myself for so long about it. I know what to do, and I know I can do it. I’ve just lacked focus. As the days fly by I become more and more aware of what is happening to my body and how I’m sliding into a place I never wanted to be. I want to grow old, I want to be healthy, I want to move freely in my old age and not drive a scooter around the grocery store. I dont want a cabinet full of orange pill bottles I have to take to stay alive. I want to see my kids graduate college, get married, and have kids of their own. I want to live!!
These reasons are much more compelling than a slick picture for Instagram. And I’ve set aside time in my days to do nothing but think about life and what I want from it. Who is the person I really am? Is this the person I’ve been trying to be? Why am I so at odds with myself? Why do my actions always betray my desires?
These are important and difficult questions to answer. The good news is that I think I am finally figuring it out. After months and years of letting life happen to me, I’m starting to really hone in on what I want out of life and where I need to put my focus. And being a dedicated, healthy, fit, kind, generous, earger, outgoing, excited, happy person is the person I think I was meant to be.
I’ve only started down the path, but it feels amazing to have finally found it. It was interesting today at the WV open house… for the first time in a long time, I felt like I belonged. Lately Ihaven’t felt at home while on an OCR course. I dont feel fit or healthy. I’ve put on a lot of fat. I dont really look or feel like an athlete. I know many people race these events for fun and dont care if they are athletes, but that is sort of always how I saw myself, even when I was in the worst shape of my life. I know anyone can show up to a race (and I encourage it!), but I didn’t really feel like it fit for me, and that maybe I was in the wrong place. Maybe it was time for me to move on.
But since I have taken that time to examine myself at a deep level and to start correcting the missteps in my life, my perspective has changed. I’m going to do really poorly at the race tomorrow, and I might not even finish if my injuries flared up. But, I feel like, despite everything else, I belong out on the course. I am supposed to be here. I’m supposed to be racing. I’m supposed to pushing my limits. I’m supposed to always be looking for the best version of myself, on a d off the course.
It was really nice to wall by some of the Spartan pro team members today and not feel embarrassed. It’s so easy to get caught up in superficial things and competitions that are meaningless. I think for the first time in a long time I really want to do this just for me without consideration of the outside world. It’s a liberating feeling.
So, I’ve said it before and I’ll probably say it again, but I am climbing back on the wagon. Starting tomorrow, I’m going to do everything I can to stay on track and to make the life I’ve always felt I should be living. Since I only update this when I’m active, you’ll know if I’m on track or not. But hopefully this is the first post of many to come.
If you made it to the end of this unedited stream of consciousness, I applaud you. 🙂
The 5 Minute Project 