This probably won’t be a long post. I sort of just wanted to blurt out what’s been on my mind lately. Sometimes it helps to just let things out, and I don’t want to pay for a therapist, so I figured letting it out on the internet is the next best thing. This post isn’t really about anything in particular and I don’t plan on editing it, so if you want to click off now, I won’t hold it against you! 🙂
When race season ended for me last year, I crashed and burned. I lost all motivation to work out. Racing stopped seeming fun. I let unhealthy eating habits creep back into my diet. I stopped waking up early to take advantage of those early morning hours. I stopped my cold shower routine. I put back on about 20 of the 60 pounds I had lost in the previous year. I went to bed late and slept poorly. This was my life for months. It felt pretty miserable. Over time, I gradually started feeling a little better about getting active again, but those spurts were brief. I might work out for a week and then I’d quit again. I’ve done a few races, and I’ve done surprisingly well at them considering the amount of training I’ve done, but I know I can do better.
Things have been stressful at work as well. There have been several rounds of layoffs and that specter is looming over my department at the moment. More work is getting put on us with no extra compensation. When people leave they are not filling those positions, adding to an already overloaded workload. They’ve all but said there won’t be any merit increases next year.
My toddler is getting to that age where she wants to be defiant and likes to test limits. She’s going through a sleep regression period which makes getting a full, good night sleep something I haven’t seen for a couple of months now. Then there is all of the questions and teaching you have to do as a parent. Don’t get me wrong, I love it, but it is still something that takes energy when energy is in short supply.
The thing about exercise is that it makes you feel better. Exercise is something I’ve always enjoyed. And if you’re a healthy weight, eating the right foods, and are getting enough exercise, you often have that extra energy to tackle all of these things life has to throw at you. But, not having that extra energy makes it hard to do all of those things that give you energy, if that makes sense. And this is basically where I am stuck right now.
I want to finish losing weight. I want to be fit. I want to run and spend more time outside. I want to feel good again. The fact that I’m not doing these things gives me anxiety. I feel like every day that I don’t do something I am wasting time. Even if I wasn’t “going hard” every day in a killer workout, just doing something small each day would start to add up over time. But I don’t. And that makes me sad. Which makes it hard for me to start doing anything about it. It’s not a fun place to be stuck.
I know life is always going to give you things to fret about. I’m used to that and I’ve accepted it. But, no matter how prepared you are to handle what life throws at you, sometimes you just get tired. And I’m tired. I keep waiting for that magical day to come where I wake up feeling okay. Not great, not even good: just okay. I feel like that will be a huge win for me. But, there’s no promise that this day is ever going to come. At least not without some intervention.
And that brings me to the real point of this article. It’s not to spout off some platitudes about making this your best life. There aren’t going to be any anecdotes about overcoming adversity. In fact, there’s not really any positive message to this post at all. The only silver lining of the whole thing is that I feel like I’m getting ready to start making some of those small changes. Even if I don’t work out, just getting out of bed a little earlier will be a huge win. Even if I’m not losing any weight, having the strength to say no to a big temptation will be a huge win.
I’m not “there” yet. I wouldn’t dare to claim that “I’m back”. The best I can do right now is to say ” I am present. This is where I am and I am okay with that.” Even though I am not satisfied with the state of things in my life right now, I am forever grateful for the things in my life that are going great. I want to start taking advantage of those small opportunities that I so frequently squander each and every day. I want to give myself a break and not beat myself up each time I slip or make a mistake. I want to try to right the ship with the understanding that it’s going to take time and effort to get back on course, but that I will get back on course eventually. All of this is completely within my control, I just need to be conscious of that and act on it.
If you made it this far I want to thank you for wading through that stream of consciousness and staying with me. It is actually a big help to think that there are people out there that I may never meet that care enough about a stranger to read their entire ‘stream of consciousness venting session’. So, if you’re reading this thank you, I appreciate your support. I’ll do my best to use that positive energy to get my act together. Thanks again!